The body

While I have never really fit societal ideals, I have, for most of my adult life, felt pretty good in my body. I cycled everywhere, I ran 10km races and then completed 4 half marathons. I took yoga classes and did outdoorsy stuff. I felt strong.

Then through these last 3 years of pregnancy, miscarriage and baby loss that feeling of strength has slipped away. It's not just that I have added 20 pounds to my non-pregnant set point, it's that I don't feel confident that my body will do what I need it to.

During my pregnancy with Saersha I kept up with fitness as well as I could. After I passed the first trimester and it seemed I might actually not miscarry, I attended prenatal aerobics, water exercise classes and yoga. I didn't feel the same as before of course but what I lost in actual fitness I gained in pride that my body was growing a new life, a daughter who I hoped to inspire to do things that made her feel strong.

Then my body proved even more cruel than I could have imagined. It let her go right when she was ready to be born, it failed us both right at the critical moment. Other BLMs have described feeling like their body is a crime scene and I can relate to that. Why would the placenta detach prematurely after working so well for months and building a beautiful 8.7 lb. baby girl? In this case no one has an answer.

Now this body is playing host again but I can't feel any of the pride I felt before. So now I am just feeling awkward and huge and all of the negatives of pregnancy without the glow of body love for the work that it is doing.

We were just away on vacation at a near by island with no electricity (i.e. no distractions). It was great in many ways, but it was time spent more aware and present in my body than usual. I realized I have been trying to ignore it in my everyday life but I feel ugly and I am stressed when I do anything physical or strenuous. Is it OK to ignore myself in this way while still of course eating well and maintaining health?

How can I love this body now? How can I keep from self-loathing on a physical level?
How can I trust my body to do what I need, and more importantly what this little boy needs?