October 29 was Saersha's due date.
I had actually not been thinking about it, focussing much more of course on her birthday later this week. It has hit me in the guts now though thinking about how long I anticipated this date last year, how alive she was inside of me on that day. On that day I remember feeling very patient about her arrival. I wanted to give birth soon of course but I had a hunch anyway that she wouldn't be born until her due date at least.
At that time I had a level of happiness that I am not sure I will be capable of again. I was reading Spiritual Midwifery, watching videos on natural birth and practicing visualizations. I was very into trying for as un-medical a birth as possible, knowing that I was going to one of the best maternity hospitals in the country. I was thinking about whether I could labour in a tub and how I could manage pain without drugs.
These are all totally appropriate things for me to have been doing but I can't help but think of myself with some derision for not considering that there is no safe zone, even the best doctors are not omnipotent and that even with very good care and preparation full term healthy babies die. I was thinking so much about trusting my body and the natural process of birth and I can't help but feel angry at myself for focussing on all of the wrong things.
I have again picked up Finding Hope When a Child Dies: What Other Cultures Can Teach Us and it does help a bit with the guilt and anger that is so much with me right now. This book tells a bit about how in other cultures (Yoruba and Hindu) the fate/karma of the child is accepted, in these incomprehensible losses the supernatural decides what happens to each soul and it is not for anyone else to consider themselves responsible. The author suggests that people in Western Judeo-Christian traditions identify more personally with god and then take responsibility for what has happened to their children to a greater extent. Aside from some dabbling in Buddhism and being forced into Sunday school a bit as a child, I am not very religious. I do however appreciate viewing loss through another cultural lens. For a moment I try to slip into that kind of worldview where none of our actions or decisions would change a painful outcome and where this loss is not about me but about what Saersha's soul needed to do.
It's so hard to remember how alive our babies were before they so suddenly and unbelievably died. So very hard. I will be thinking of you and Saersha all this hard week.
ReplyDeleteThis is inspiring me to pick up Finding Hope When a Child Dies again. I read it shortly after Nathaniel died, but would probably benefit from reading it again, more than a year out from his loss.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was planning on as natural birth as possible. My husband all but insisted on a home birth, and would not participate in any ultrasound or genetic testing early in the pregnancy. If I wanted an ultrasound, I would have had to go by myself, or find a friend to go with me. He told me about Spiritual Midwifery and I bought it, and read it. I watched home birth videos on you tube and trusted my midwife, and just hoped for the best outcome.
At 36 weeks we had our first ultrasound. My midwife suspected our baby had turned breech, and requested it. I was relieved that I would have an ultrasound before the baby came, but very worried about the implications of a breech home birth, and was determined to birth in a hospital if the baby was in fact breech. It was at that ultrasound when we started to discover Nathaniel's medical issues.
I wish we could both go back to a more innocent selves. I wish we could go back and just focus on trusting our bodies and the natural process of birth. One thing that has struck me many times is that the entire ob/gyn medical system, including the complicated, sterile, imperfect hospital labor and delivery wards, has largely been developed in response to the loss that we know all too well. The whole NICU - with the incredible technology and energy and focus and effort - is all geared toward preventing the death of babies. Losing Nathaniel has changed my perspective about labor and delivery and prenatal care for sure.
As I write this, I realize that you are there again. If not today, if not yesterday, if not the day before, then tomorrow, or the next day. Soon. My thoughts are with you.
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