Season

This is it. Now. She is with me all of the year but we're in the thick of Saersha's season where it all reaches another level of almost unbearable intensity. She is in every breath, she is in every glance out the window, she is in every leaf on the sidewalk on every trip to the park on a cool clear day, she is in the rain and in the fog, she was really at the freaking pumpkin patch with the banjo player singing You Are My Sunshine. October, the month I spent waiting for her to arrive. October 15th and the events marking Infant Loss Remembrance, then her due date October 29th that I let pass unworried and now torture myself over, then Halloween with it's focus on kids and death and merriment I can't join in any more. Then we have November. November 4th when Saersha was born and November 6th when she died, and the time in between, her life, that I try so hard to remember every minute of. Then November 14th when her brother arrived a short year later. This year going back to work is thrown in there too. It's so much at once.

Still Life Canada's 2nd Annual Awareness Walk

 My in-laws were just here for a short visit and they care so much, I know, but I don't like to make myself vulnerable to them. I don't feel like I can really talk to them. We went to the aforementioned pumpkin patch with Stellan and tried to have fun, but really he is too young to get anything out of these things... it's just that we've all waited so long to do the kid stuff. It's really more Saersha who would have made the most of it. 4 sad adults and one baby who is so jolly and sweet but there is no repairing this hole. That is not to say that his presence makes no difference, because it really does, but we still miss her so much.

There is more to say over the next few weeks and I hope I will be able to have the presence of mind to write about it here.

Capture Your Grief: Jewellery

I had this necklace made on Etsy very soon after Saersha's death. I know many people have necklaces like this for their living children but I don't think that I would have had it made if I didn't yearn for any kind of physical connection to Saersha possible. I love seeing her name written anywhere or hearing it said. This necklace also can offer a rare entry point for people in my life who want to say something about what has happened. It puts it out there in the world a bit, which also feels like a brave act to me. Sometimes I just don't want to have to tell people but this necklace can make me do it.

I also like this necklace because it reminds me of a dog tag and often I feel like I am a veteran. I am not sure who I have been at war with, death, the universe, myself, but I feel like I have seen a kind of darkness that people don't often see and come back to try and live amoungst the civilians.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and Capture Your Grief is an initiative where babylost parents are sharing photos with a theme for each day.

It's already the 5th so I am behind a bit, but I do want to participate in some way. I'll catch up with the themes that speak to me the most so far.

Before Loss Self Portrait

Of course, who doesn't say this, but our wedding day was one of the happiest of my life. I felt sure that our next step would be to have a baby within a year or so. I choose this photo rather than one of my pregnancy with Saersha because even though that was an extremely happy time, Saersha was already a rainbow baby after 3 early losses. When I think back to our wedding, that is when I was last naive about loss.

After Loss Self Portrait

After Saersha died I felt washed out like this. I wasn't recognizable to myself. I was in shock and I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I am someone who needs to feel purposeful and my whole purpose was supposed to be to care for Saersha. I was ready to dedicate my life to her. I was so sure it would work out this time and things would finally get back onto a positive track again. My body was so ready and needing to nurture and feed her but she was gone.

Most Treasured Item

Saersha took half of this pendant with her and I have the other half. I wore it everyday and felt it connected me to her. About a month after she died I dropped my half and it broke. I was so distraught and panicked. How could I break this talisman of my child!!! Would she ever forgive me? Where we not connected now? What did it mean? In an attempt at denial I glued it back together immediately. If it wasn't broken for long then I could pretend I never broke it. After fixing it, time passing and calming down a bit I realized that it was even more symbolic. My heart really was/is broken forever but I still have to carry it around and carry on.

Memorial

We didn't have a memorial service for Saersha. We didn't think we could grieve the way we needed to with people around. It was just the two of us saying goodbye to her for the last time. The crematorium staff were very kind to us and gave us enough time and space to do this. I can't bring myself to post a photo of that, but this is the cedar box that we made (with a lot of help since our grief-addled minds could not handle anything but the most basic functions). Many First Nations believe that cedar is sacred and when burned it drives out negative forces. This box was so fragrant with cleansing cedar and it meant so much more to us than the options offered by the funeral home. We sent her off wrapped in the blanket her Nana had knit for her and I filled a small wooden container with breast milk for her. My body was making it for her even though she couldn't use it but I wanted to give it to her in some small way regardless.