November 14

I almost couldn't walk in the door of the hospital. I was overcome with anxiety and fear and grief. I was not prepared, could not be prepared for this. Face red with tears we sat at the admissions desk and filled out benign paperwork and answered  simple questions but I could barely think. I just kept running through various scenarios. Would the baby be born alive, would he cry, would he need to go to the NICU, would I actually get to hold him? Was it too early to take him out at 37W5D?

We had a very friendly nurse in the pre-op area and things got underway with talk of anesthetic options, the IV, my OB arriving, being introduced to all of the nurses and Drs... everyone aware of what had happened to us last year and insisting that this would be ok but I couldn't believe them. Even with the very apparent differences between an emergency and a scheduled c-section, I felt like I was in the same place at the same time of year to have the same thing happen. My poor husband had to sit on the same little couch outside of the OR in the same silly yellow scrubs waiting to be able to come in, those same moments when Saersha's heart stopped.

In such an intense situation as this I go inside myself, clench deeply to feel something solid in all of this that is beyond my control. My OB tried for some chit chat with me and one of the anesthesiologists and she held my hand while we waited for the spinal to kick in. Finally my husband was allowed to come in and then my OB told me when the surgery was already underway. Things happened fast and she told me she saw a head with brown hair, then moments later this tiny animal sound emerged and I cried. It was so beautiful to hear him. I almost couldn't believe it could have turned out like this. He was examined and had all 10 apgars and my husband held him and brought him to sit by me as they stitched me back together.

We went to the recovery room and the nurses helped me latch the baby on and he nursed for a long time. It was all that I could have hoped for.

We decided to name him Stellan, which is a Swedish name and means calm. I hoped that he would bring some calm to our lives which have been so dark and tumultuous over the last 3 years of loss and heartbreak. 

I thought the having Stellan might be healing and in some sense it has been. We finally have the life that we have been hoping for over so many years. That feeling of being locked out of something that comes so naturally to so many other people has lessened. I have moments where I am totally overcome with love for this little creature.

None of this makes the loss of Saersha any easier though. There is still a hole in my heart that is exactly her shape. Now my heart has grown with my love for Stellan, but the hole is still there. We have even more of a sense of what we missed with Saersha and I so wish that both of our children could be here with us now.