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There is more to say over the next few weeks and I hope I will be able to have the presence of mind to write about it here.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Season
This is it. Now. She is with me all of the year but we're in the thick of Saersha's season where it all reaches another level of almost unbearable intensity. She is in every breath, she is in every glance out the window, she is in every leaf on the sidewalk on every trip to the park on a cool clear day, she is in the rain and in the fog, she was really at the freaking pumpkin patch with the banjo player singing You Are My Sunshine. October, the month I spent waiting for her to arrive. October 15th and the events marking Infant Loss Remembrance, then her due date October 29th that I let pass unworried and now torture myself over, then Halloween with it's focus on kids and death and merriment I can't join in any more. Then we have November. November 4th when Saersha was born and November 6th when she died, and the time in between, her life, that I try so hard to remember every minute of. Then November 14th when her brother arrived a short year later. This year going back to work is thrown in there too. It's so much at once.
My in-laws were just here for a short visit and they care so much, I know, but I don't like to make myself vulnerable to them. I don't feel like I can really talk to them. We went to the aforementioned pumpkin patch with Stellan and tried to have fun, but really he is too young to get anything out of these things... it's just that we've all waited so long to do the kid stuff. It's really more Saersha who would have made the most of it. 4 sad adults and one baby who is so jolly and sweet but there is no repairing this hole. That is not to say that his presence makes no difference, because it really does, but we still miss her so much.
There is more to say over the next few weeks and I hope I will be able to have the presence of mind to write about it here.
There is more to say over the next few weeks and I hope I will be able to have the presence of mind to write about it here.
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Do you find closing in on year 2 is just as hard...harder? A different hard now that you have a babe to look after and celebrate? I am feeling so confined by the necessities of baby caring that I have no time to express how much I miss my first born. Maybe the missing worsens as I keep having to dismiss it...?
ReplyDeleteOh, i miss them so...I wish there could be 2 for 2 as we approach the end of a second year without them.
** I know I am 4+ months away from Alexander's 2nd b-day....and I don't mean to compare our tmelines so closely, but I feel like time is flying, and with the holidays starting...I know a new year without him is just around the corner.
Remembering your girl during this very tender time.
Yes, I find year 2 to be a easier in some ways but harder in others. Of course it's not like those first months of fresh grief, walking around with a massive open wound, but it still hurts. I find now it's hard to make time to grieve or to think and make sense of Saersha's life or death and it's harder to bring her up to people. Sometimes I try to normalize it by telling myself that it's hard for everyone to adjust to having 2 children that need their attention. The older one might get a bit less when the new baby arrives, but Saersha is not here in the demanding 2 year old flesh to stake her claim on me, so I need to try to do it myself.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this for months and anticipating this time so I totally understand that. It really helps to read others' blogs as they put words to things that are still kind of swirling around formlessly in my head.
Oh, Florine. The pumpkin patch. They did 'You are my sunshine' last year when we went, too.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking so much about you and Saersha lately. 2 years seems so long in some ways, but in my heart it feels like nothing. I know so many people think, oh, 2 years; you've had time to 'get over it.' It's never enough time and always too much time.
"...it all reaches another level of almost unbearable intensity." Yes. Unbearable. But what choice do we have? We cannot avoid it. There is no salve to alleviate it. And to be back to work on top of everything else! You are braver than you give yourself credit for Florine.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Saersha during this beautiful autumn. It must be much more complicated to celebrate Stellan's birthday so shortly after Saersha's anniversaries.