I know there is some part of my brain that doesn't understand that Saersha is dead. My waking mind is fully and logically aware of the facts but some part of my primitive dream mind seems ignorant (willfully in denial?).
When she first died I dreamed of her all the time. Dreams of nursing her back to fully developed life after she had shrunk back down to an embryo. Dreams of her being with us and healthy.
Since Stellan was born I have been dreaming of two live babies, not one. Twins who were not born together. In my dreams they are the same age. Once when my husband brought Stellan in to nurse in the middle of the night and still half in a dream I asked him repeatedly "where's the other baby?". I was thinking she must need to be fed also.
Lately my dreams are more of searching for her. Those awful dreams where you are searching though rooms and tunnels and hallways and never finding what you seek. Where is the other baby?
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
8 Weeks
I started typing this one handed and I am thankful that my other arm is occupied with holding my beloved boy. 8 weeks have gone by very quickly and I sometimes catch myself thinking of him as a fragile newborn even though he is now 8 weeks old and a solid 14+ lbs! He is a very sweet soul although he has been fussier than usual over the last few days. I think he is having a growth spurt now. I feel beyond fortunate and grateful that he is here. Sometimes I can't believe that after over 3 years of trying and miscarriage and losing Saersha, we get to keep this one!
When he was first born Stellan didn't look much like Saersha at all, but as we counted down the difference in gestation between them he filled out and the resemblance was there. In that time from 37-41 weeks I most acutely felt the experiences we had missed with Saersha. All through our initial bonding time when he would look at me or even move I would feel his aliveness and in the wonder of that miss Saersha more. Now he has grown past her and she will always be his baby big sister. I still wonder what she would have been like at this age. Would she have smiled earlier? Would she have nursed as well?
Christmas was pretty challenging this year, but of course much easier than the horror of last year. We were very busy visiting people so they could meet the baby and I don't feel like I took enough time to find a place for Saersha in our plans, minimal though they were. My mother in law really wanted to be with us for Stellan's first Christmas so they came over for the day, but it felt really forced. Like we are supposed to try and have this particular kind of happy Christmas when really no one was into it. The positive outcome from that though is that it's clear we won't be doing that again!
During these Christmas rounds I was talking with another mom about how I sometimes panic and check to make sure he is breathing when he's sleeping. She told me that she did this too and that's it's very common, somewhat downplaying it. I wanted to tell her that this is different. It's not the same as other parents. I know what it feels like to hold my dead child, to feel them not breathing. To me it is a very real and vivid experience, not an abstract fear. I wonder how hard it will be to try and relate to other parents when I can't help but see my parenting through the lens of grief.
I've been thinking about how I want to use this blog and I don't necessarily want to use it to record how things go with Stellan, but to reflect on the grieving process and the challenges of raising one baby while you are really missing another. I'm not sure how much I'll post but it is good to have a space for that.
When he was first born Stellan didn't look much like Saersha at all, but as we counted down the difference in gestation between them he filled out and the resemblance was there. In that time from 37-41 weeks I most acutely felt the experiences we had missed with Saersha. All through our initial bonding time when he would look at me or even move I would feel his aliveness and in the wonder of that miss Saersha more. Now he has grown past her and she will always be his baby big sister. I still wonder what she would have been like at this age. Would she have smiled earlier? Would she have nursed as well?
Christmas was pretty challenging this year, but of course much easier than the horror of last year. We were very busy visiting people so they could meet the baby and I don't feel like I took enough time to find a place for Saersha in our plans, minimal though they were. My mother in law really wanted to be with us for Stellan's first Christmas so they came over for the day, but it felt really forced. Like we are supposed to try and have this particular kind of happy Christmas when really no one was into it. The positive outcome from that though is that it's clear we won't be doing that again!
During these Christmas rounds I was talking with another mom about how I sometimes panic and check to make sure he is breathing when he's sleeping. She told me that she did this too and that's it's very common, somewhat downplaying it. I wanted to tell her that this is different. It's not the same as other parents. I know what it feels like to hold my dead child, to feel them not breathing. To me it is a very real and vivid experience, not an abstract fear. I wonder how hard it will be to try and relate to other parents when I can't help but see my parenting through the lens of grief.
I've been thinking about how I want to use this blog and I don't necessarily want to use it to record how things go with Stellan, but to reflect on the grieving process and the challenges of raising one baby while you are really missing another. I'm not sure how much I'll post but it is good to have a space for that.
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