I know there is some part of my brain that doesn't understand that Saersha is dead. My waking mind is fully and logically aware of the facts but some part of my primitive dream mind seems ignorant (willfully in denial?).
When she first died I dreamed of her all the time. Dreams of nursing her back to fully developed life after she had shrunk back down to an embryo. Dreams of her being with us and healthy.
Since Stellan was born I have been dreaming of two live babies, not one. Twins who were not born together. In my dreams they are the same age. Once when my husband brought Stellan in to nurse in the middle of the night and still half in a dream I asked him repeatedly "where's the other baby?". I was thinking she must need to be fed also.
Lately my dreams are more of searching for her. Those awful dreams where you are searching though rooms and tunnels and hallways and never finding what you seek. Where is the other baby?
Yes, I feel this way, too. My logical, rational mind completely understands that my baby is dead. It understands the science of why. But there's another part of my brain - I've wondered if it's just part of my nervous system - that does not understand that Nathaniel is dead. It keeps looking for him. It keeps waiting for him.
ReplyDeleteYour little Stellan sounds so wonderful. But I'll light a candle for you and Saersha tonight <3
Thank you Suzanne. It's good to know I am not the only one. Yes Stellan is so sweet and lovely I still can't believe he's ours to keep but Saersha is never far from my mind.
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