Happiness writes white, so they say, and these have been mostly happy times, but of course there is no uncomplicated happiness anymore.
Now Stellan has been on the outside for as long as he was on the inside and I am confident in caring for him and I love him more than I thought possible. He brings me so much joy in his laughter and playfulness, his sweetness and calm nature. The more I get to know him now the more I wonder at what Saersha would have been like. On the outside I knew her only when she was unconscious but somehow I felt like I got a sense of her strength and tenacity. She was tough to come back after 20 mins of resuscitation and she held on for hours more than I thought she would after we took her off of life support. It may be a projection but I think that is a reflection on her character. Of course I will never know and that hurts every day. As I watch Stellan grow and get to know him more Saersha is always like a shadow behind as I imagine her version of these traits and milestones.
Some days still are a struggle to keep going, to engage with the world and get out of the house. Some times my heart is just not in it, but I keep trying for Stellan's sake. If he were not here I don't think I could be either. Those 37 weeks of carrying him while still so fresh in grief was some of the toughest work I have done but I could not be more glad to have done it.
