Happiness writes white, so they say, and these have been mostly happy times, but of course there is no uncomplicated happiness anymore.
Now Stellan has been on the outside for as long as he was on the inside and I am confident in caring for him and I love him more than I thought possible. He brings me so much joy in his laughter and playfulness, his sweetness and calm nature. The more I get to know him now the more I wonder at what Saersha would have been like. On the outside I knew her only when she was unconscious but somehow I felt like I got a sense of her strength and tenacity. She was tough to come back after 20 mins of resuscitation and she held on for hours more than I thought she would after we took her off of life support. It may be a projection but I think that is a reflection on her character. Of course I will never know and that hurts every day. As I watch Stellan grow and get to know him more Saersha is always like a shadow behind as I imagine her version of these traits and milestones.
Some days still are a struggle to keep going, to engage with the world and get out of the house. Some times my heart is just not in it, but I keep trying for Stellan's sake. If he were not here I don't think I could be either. Those 37 weeks of carrying him while still so fresh in grief was some of the toughest work I have done but I could not be more glad to have done it.
That is a big milestone. Stellan is a gorgeous baby! I wish you could have known more about Saersha. I always imagined Anja as sweet and a little quiet, but with a mischevious streak to her. I thought about her this way when I was pregnant, and now I see her mostly as sweet and quiet...I suppose because that was all I saw. Her quiet face and body, her sweet lips and cheeks and wrists and hands. Marco is giving these big goofy grins that light up his whole face - he has a series of dimples under his eyes and around his mouth - and I am struck so often at how I never got to know Anja's smile, her face opened to me. What would she have been like?
ReplyDeleteHappy in/out-iversary to you, Florine. So much hard work and so much joy.