Does your baby age in your mind's eye? Will he or she remain the small newborn/born too soon/born still? For me, it is both.
There are two little girls I know who were born within weeks of Saersha and I have them has kind of place holders for her growth. What would she be doing now? Oh, I see, she would be talking and walking around, having her own fierce will and getting into everything. Chubby legs grown leaner with all the toddling around. She might have enough hair that I could put it in a pony tail. Her hair was brown but then when the sunlight hit it turned this beautiful coppery colour. Later it would have come in blonde like her brother. Big girl shadow Saersha who would almost be 2.
When Stellan is sleeping I see her in his face, but then she is a small baby the one who will never speak, who made only one sound, a beautiful sigh. This is the one that haunts me in dark moments as I remember her final hours and her death. Why couldn't I do more for you precious, tiny, still daughter?
In the last few days I have been confronted by a couple of kids the age A should have been and each time it takes my breath away for a moment. But, I can't really ever see her at any different age than the tiny newborn she was. And now I find it even harder to think the 'she might have' or would she have' thoughts because of M - he and she can't live in the world together. It's all so shitty and complicated and sad.
ReplyDelete"A beautiful sigh." I can just imagine it. You loved her so much, Florine, and that was a lot; sometimes I think that is all we can do for any of our children - living or not - love them, and then love them some more. But I know what you mean...I wish I could've done so much more for A, too. Sending lots of love your way.
For me, it's one of those things that is just strange. I was ruminating while running this morning. I can close my eyes, draw up my arms, bow my head and just feel him, there on my chest. I struggle to envision him at 8 months, because he didn't grow, he didn't get bigger. It didn't happen like that. Yet it scares and pains me to see random babies who might be the age he would be now.
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