Random thoughts on getting through a subsequent pregnancy

With 6 days left in this pregnancy, and inspired by the blogs that I read of fellow baby loss mamas, I have been thinking about some of the ways I have gotten through this pregnancy so far. When I say "gotten through" of course that doesn't mean that it has been easy. I have been at a high anxiety level pretty much the whole time, but these are some things or thoughts that have helped.

1. First of course is this baby himself and all the love and joy that I have in him. This can be a double edged sword as the more you love the more you fear that it will be taken away, but in the first trimester I did a lot of visualizations about sending love and positive energy to this baby and telling him how I would nurture and accept him if he would only just make it out alive! I will admit that this took more the form of pleading rather than anything more confident or hopeful. This was my mantra: Be My Baby 
In the second trimester I was able to hear his heart beat with my doppler and later in the pregnancy the baby has given me his own assurances with his thankfully regular movement and healthy development.

2. Denial. This may seem to contradict what I just wrote, but there were times when I just needed to forget about this pregnancy.

3. Going back to work. I was really nervous about this but I am very fortunate to work in a very supportive office and while I mostly just dove back in I knew I could take some time when I needed it. There were some days that it was tough to be there and there were some insensitive people and experiences I could have lived without but I think if I hadn't gone back I would have gotten lost in my anxiety and grief.

4. Projects. I am really terrible at it because I have zero attention to detail but I took up sewing. I had been given a sewing machine about 15 years ago and I never really learned how to use it. Before going back to work I took a beginning sewing class through the school board and I learned how to make a basic pair of pants, so then I made 3 over the course of the pregnancy. It was good to have something else to focus on in the evenings that had nothing to do with loss or with pregnancy or work. 

5. Reading. This too can be helpful in many ways but can also bring up more worries as the more you know, the more you know about what can go wrong. My top books on loss have been:Finding Hope When A Child Dies  An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination  When a Baby Dies
But maybe even more of a lifesaver has been losing myself in silly fiction. I usually would save myself for more literary options but over this pregnancy I read a fair amount of fun crap. I easily read twice as many novels as I normally would over this time period.

6. Realizing that I can go forward without real hope. Most of my strategies have not centred on hope but on determination and survival. I am not sure how to make the distinction between hope (believing that events will turn out for the best) and what I feel (being willing to give it a shot because there is no other option) but I feel there is one. I did not get pregnant because I thought it would work out, I did it because there was no other way I continue to live after Saersha died. I now feel like it's ok to doubt that it will work out and not feel confident and hopeful as long as you can still find ways to get through.


So, those are my thoughts on this for now. I think this is something I will keep chewing on and maybe I will need to come up with even more strategies to get through the next 6 days.